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It’s Time to Grow
Up
As we move beyond the toddler stage, we gradually learn to
temper our use of “no.” By the time we reach adulthood, we have buried our
inner toddler -- and his ability to say “no” -- so deep, handling
interactions where a “yes” or “no” is sought and required becomes
complicated.
Our ability to deliver a firm “no” is
unquestionable, even if we have learned to soften it up a little, adding
words such as “regrettably” or “unfortunately” to our response. As adults,
however, we often forget the power of “no” when asked by friends and
colleagues to do something that we do not want to do. This is particularly
true when confronted with the realization that we can, in fact, do it, but
simply do not wish to. Even if “no” is precisely the response
required and it is what we want to say, we simply can’t say it. We agonize
over it. We avoid the person. We ignore the email. We don’t answer the
phone. We convince ourselves that we’ll get to it later, knowing that
later will never come. Or, when feeling trapped, we respond
tentatively without making a firm commitment, to allow for a last-minute
change of mind. Sometimes, given our fast-paced, highly demanding way of
life, we simply, truly forget. Using a different tack, we may quickly
affirm that we will try to do it, which makes it even worse for
the one making the request. Should they count on someone who is going to
try to help you? As the judicious Yoda from Star Wars said: “Do
or do not. There is no try.”
There is still another strategy used
to avoid saying no: the silent or omitted negation. Failing to
respond, even with a “no thanks,” is one of the most common mistakes that
we make. It hurts our capacity to build social relationships. We opt to
have the other person infer our “no” by providing no answer at all,
assuming incorrectly that the other party will forget or take our omission
as a “no.” In the world of mathematics, a negative multiplied by a
negative always results in a positive, but in the business or social
world, a negative action multiplied by a negative response almost always
leads to a negative outcome.
Do you see yourself in any of these
scenarios?
Despite our experimentation as
children in regular interactions with loved ones and answering questions
frankly without hesitation or fear of ramifications, something happens in
the acculturation process as we get older. As adults move through their
careers, many become vulnerable to any question that might need a yes or
no answer. This digression in the cognitive capability is a result of not
knowing how or when to say “no” without feeling guilty or getting sick.
Being uncomfortable, or the possibility of making someone else
uncomfortable, appears an insurmountable barrier.
When No Is Your Answer, Don’t Let
Others Convince You Otherwise
Responding “no” to a question might be
a simple matter when choosing multiple options or when confronted with an
accusation of some sort. “No, I didn’t do it” is easy to say.
(For some people it is easy even if they did do it, but that’s a different
topic.) The difficulty arises when asked to help or volunteer on a
project, support someone’s ideas or projects (especially when a friend is
asking) or when asked to participate in an activity or forum that might be
helpful to your team or others but not necessarily to you.
Often, our first reaction is to please
others by showing our support, especially if they are members of our team,
friends, or people whom we care about. Saying “yes” then becomes a
default, our defense mechanism, to show that we are on their side and
fully support them. We often feel obliged to respond in the affirmative to
avoid a negative perception from our family members, peers, colleagues, or
neighbors. Sometimes we feel compelled to say yes to improve our self
esteem and validate our status as good citizens and decent human beings.
It becomes a knee-jerk reaction that may have an impact on our work
performance, our reliability and credibility and at times our family
obligations. Furthermore, after we make the commitment we may realize the
potential to negatively affect present and future work or that we aren’t
actually convinced that the task we reluctantly agreed to complete
is worth doing. The repercussions of our answer with a non-studied “yes”
might prove harmful to us.
It is important to remember that you
have a right to say no. If you don’t, others may take advantage of you,
take you for granted and even lose respect for you.
The 1-2-3 Method
Let us then offer the 1-2-3 solutions
to our “no” dilemma. First we have to understand that the problem of
judging when, where and how to use “no” is just a symptom, not the
disease. The real issue is to have a clear understanding of what is being
asked of you, the total expectations, the time commitment and who else is
involved.
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Understand the question before you
answer.
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Do not say “yes” for the sake of
yes. The affirmative response to a question or a request is a
commitment to another individual or group. It must not be taken
lightly. Most successful business people will share their secrets:
They are focused, they understand the value of time. Once they commit
to doing something they would almost never cancel. That commitment
you’re about to make may conflict with your priorities and your
ability to meet your goals and objectives. It is preferable to
acknowledge that you will not be able to fulfill the request asked and
answer with a negative than to put yourself in a situation that might
affect you and your objectives and goals. You have to be truthful to
yourself.
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Know how to respond, but do respond!
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Answer the request. Be polite but
firm. Never ignore or dismiss. Do not assume a “no” response will be
understood. For sure, the lack of a response will not be
appreciated.
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Be clear, concise, and direct. Get
to the point. Do not answer with a question, an epistle or a
speech.
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Be assertive, not apologetic. It
is your decision. You’re in control. Take a shot or pass it.
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Offer alternatives and or possible
solutions. There is often some alternative to us, no matter how
indispensable we think we are. Look for and help find a solution, but
only if you can afford the time and effort.
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Stand your ground . Assume
positive intent, but be prepared for all possibilities. You may find
that the person requesting your help is using techniques that take
advantage of your weak side. Do not fall for that!
- Follow through. If you passed and said “no” but
offered an alternative, follow up to see if that proved helpful. If you
answered in the affirmative, ensure that you are aware of all the
relevant information regarding expectations, dates and times.
Saying No at Work -- Can You Do
It?
Up to now, we’ve focused our column on
how to say no mostly in social situations. But what would you do if your
manager at work makes an unreasonable, urgent request? Although the same
tactics may not apply, the same principle does: You are in control.
To help you manage these often awkward situations, we recommend
another 1-2-3 method.
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Understand what is being asked of
you and put it in the context of everything else you may have on your
“to do” list. Understand the time constraints and expected outcomes,
timelines and deadlines.
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Negotiate. Remind your manager that
you are working on other projects that she has already identified as top
priorities and ask if this new task has priority over the others. You
may offer suggestions for options (“I can’t complete it by Friday,
but would Monday work for you? “Can I enlist the help of Jorge
and Heather on the project?”).
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If little or no flexibility is
forthcoming, point out that you will complete all tasks, but perhaps not
as thoroughly as your manager may be accustomed to expect from you.
Never say that you will “try” to do it.
When You Are Doing the Asking,
Frame the Question Correctly
Finally, let’s not forget that one
reason we struggle with our answer to a request is that the person asking
has not made it easy for us to respond with a “no.”
Given that, we recommend that when
you’re asking someone for help, make it as easy as possible for them to
say “no” if they wish to. Consider this: You may not want someone helping
you who doesn’t really want to.
An example of an effective request may
be: Are you interested and free to speak at my next conference? If you
aren’t, perhaps we can discuss opportunities for the following conference
or the one after that.” By providing flexibility, you will get an
honest response from the person you are approaching. No matter what their
answer, however, make a habit of thanking the person for taking the time
to provide you with a prompt response.
Remember, building your relationships
is a long-term process, and the ultimate goal is to strengthen your
network one person at a time. By making each person you deal with
comfortable, you’ll continue to build and strengthen your network over
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