Isn’t it annoying that your so-called friend contacts you only when he needs you and then pretends it’s a personal call? The conversation is likely to start when he asks: “How are you doing?” or “How’s the family? But inevitably it evolves to: “I’m calling to see if you can help me with something.”  He is very friendly then. It is particularly troublesome when he’s someone that you haven’t heard from in a long time.

This is the type of person who is never there when you call on them. Emails go unanswered; phone calls go unreturned. I’ll tell you something: you don’t need them. You should use your time more productively.

Because the art of building a strong network is based on selfless giving, you must learn to avoid people who don’t help others. Don’t let them use you. Luckily, it doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, you need to learn how to recognize it and deal with it. And it is also a good idea to raise your self-awareness to make sure you are not one of them.

Recognizing the “users”— the “takers”

You know them: it is a one-way street. Usually months go by without hearing from them, until they need something.  If this happens, communicate with them directly and clearly about the potential consequences if their behavior doesn’t change. Help them if you can, but explain that you may not be there for them the next time.

Be true to your word. Walk away if they do not change this behavior. You don’t need them. You have many other priorities. You need to have people around you who add value to your life and that of others. Don’t even respond to their emails and certainly don’t return their phone calls. In this case, you’ll be happy that you didn’t. You may even have a little more self-respect even if you feel a little guilty. The energy invested with these individuals can be placed into a relationship with more promising potential. 

Avoiding being a “user”

It is most certainly appropriate to reach out to colleagues or former colleagues asking for help. But don’t pretend that there’s a friendship there. Say, for instance, “I hope you’re doing well. I’m wondering if you could point me in the right direction with my issue.” If the conversation turns to personal matters as part of the natural flow, use it to reconnect. But let the other person guide you. If the conversation stays on the issue at hand, thank the person for her time and follow up with a brief note to reinforce that message.

To avoid this situation all together, stay in touch with your network. Regular, on-going communication doesn’t require a sacrifice. It really doesn’t take that long. I have friends who send regular motivational messages, quotes, jokes (clean), news, or other informational tidbits, to their networks. It works. Often, the outreach is better than the message itself. (Think how good it feels to get a letter at home from a friend. When was the last time you received one?) It works in the same manner, but with a lot less effort and quicker gratification.

Don’t procrastinate. Reach out to your network today, for no reason at all. You’ll be happy that you did. And they will be too.