The beginning of a strong network begins with one individual: namely you. This column is dedicated to this idea; it provides tips on how to help you recognize areas that you may want to change and how to discover a better you.

Let’s start with a question: Do you like yourself?  If you are confident in your abilities, both in the traditional measures of intelligence and in your emotional  intelligence, and have an ample and healthy supply of optimism you will be poised for success and are likely to possess a high quality of life. You are more likely than others to attract members to your network who want to be associated with you – especially when sprinkled with charisma and good humor.

As best-selling author Daniel Goleman states in “Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationship” emotions are contagious, and “spread like wild fires.” If you continually show a positive disposition while maintaining a sense of confidence and perseverance, and surround yourself with the finest people on the planet, you are on your way to success.

To achieve self confidence it is important to understand the perfect balance and avoid becoming self absorbed or gaining misperceptions of self grandeur. I have described below general categories where achieving balance should be the goal.

Category	Not Effective	Balanced	Too much
Personality Trait	Insecure	Pride	Arrogance
Emotional Status	Unattached	Empathy	Pity
Interactions in groups	Passive	Energetic	Wired
Dealing with problems	Indifferent	Committed	Anger
Speaking one-on-one	Monotone	Clear and concise	Effusive
Providing advice	Silent	Active listener	Dominant
Dealing with family	Unavailable	Quality time	Disregard other priorities
Sharing credit	Doesn’t share	Spread credit for success around	Deliberately ignore self
Uncertainty	Uncomfortable with change	Manages changes, sees it as inevitable	Reach decision too quickly without facts
Lens to see the world	Pessimism	Optimism	False hope

It is important to note how easy it is to slip from the center. Once you’ve achieved the balance there is no guarantee that you’ll stay there; you must remain vigilant without repose if you want to stay centered.

If you lack self-confidence and optimism it will more difficult to build a strong network. Here’re some ideas or reminders that are easy to inject into your life:

• Find time to read non-fiction books, whatever your preference.

• Practice something that you already do well and become the best you can be; practice also something that you have not yet mastered. 

• Volunteer for a challenging work assignment and execute well.

• Ask for feedback and take it, without excuses.

• Travel the world, either literally or virtually. Learn from other cultures.

• Don’t be embarrassed to say “I don’t know.”

• Become an active listener.

• Be a better friend.

• Your children need you too.

• Don’t ignore your spouse or loved one.

Hopeful vs. Optimism

In the book “Good to Great,” author Jim Collins tells us a remarkable story about Admiral Jim Stockdale, the highest ranking U.S. military officer during the Vietnam War. Admiral Stockdale was severely tortured more than 20 times while being held captive for 8 years. 

During an interview for the book Collins asks Admiral Stockdale how was he able to survive the brutal torture and isolation while so many others didn’t. Admiral Stockdale explains that the ones who didn’t make it where the optimists. As he describes, those were the ones who after believing that they would be freed by a specific date, eventually gave up, and lost all hope. He, on the other hand, was a realist. He was going to survive no matter what the circumstances.

Collins’ point is that successful leaders confront the brutal facts of their reality, whatever that may be.  The author missed an important point, however. Those so called optimists who gave up after years under the terrible conditions may be described as heroes, but they were not necessarily optimists.  They relied on a false sense of hope that didn’t actualize for them. Consider this: no one can be hopeful forever.  The true optimists understand their reality but are convinced that they will make it – whatever that “it” is.

Having self confidence, optimism, and perseverance are essential ingredients for building an effective and strong network

Eating Alone

In the book “Never Eat Dinner Alone,” author Keith Ferrazzi asserts that we should never have a meal at a restaurant alone, especially when traveling.  By proactively reaching out to your network, Ferrazzi continues, you will maximize the power of the relationships and cultivate and grow the quality of the connections you make. He is right. But there’s one area he does not cover: each one of us must be comfortable with who we are and should not be afraid to be by ourselves.  There is nothing wrong in being alone.

The point is this: you should seek your friends not because you need them or fear being alone, but because you want to and enjoy their company. You should be at ease being alone. If you are, others are likely to join you. If you aren’t, you have work to do.

If you pass that simple test, then you’re ready to proceed and reach out to your friends and follow Ferrazzi’s advice. If you haven’t yet attempted having dinner at a restaurant alone, give it a try; you may want to start in the lounge areas where there is generally abundance of activity. You might surprise yourself at how relaxing and invigorating it can be.

“There’s one blessing only, the source and cornerstone of beatitude: Confidence in Self.”  --  Marcus Annaeus Seneca

Nobody is surprised when a toddler issues an emphatic “NO!” -- even when accompanied by a red face, clenched fists and stamping feet.  And the “victims” of toddler negativism usually recover quickly. Even a father, whose question “Do you love Daddy?” was what triggered the nay-saying behavior from his diminutive daughter, won’t stay hurt for long.   We understand that a toddler’s “no” is merely a clause in her declaration of independence from her parents. It doesn’t pack the power of an adult’s “no.”

It’s Time to Grow Up As we move beyond the toddler stage, we gradually learn to temper our use of “no.” By the time we reach adulthood, we have buried our inner toddler -- and his ability to say “no” -- so deep, handling interactions where a “yes” or “no” is sought and required becomes complicated.   Our ability to deliver a firm “no” is unquestionable, even if we have learned to soften it up a little, adding words such as “regrettably” or “unfortunately” to our response. As adults, however, we often forget the power of “no” when asked by friends and colleagues to do something that we do not want to do. This is particularly true when confronted with the realization that we can, in fact, do it, but simply do not wish to.  Even if “no” is precisely the response required and it is what we want to say, we simply can’t say it. We agonize over it. We avoid the person. We ignore the email. We don’t answer the phone. We convince ourselves that we’ll get to it later, knowing that later will never come. Or, when feeling trapped, we respond tentatively without making a firm commitment, to allow for a last-minute change of mind. Sometimes, given our fast-paced, highly demanding way of life, we simply, truly forget. Using a different tack, we may quickly affirm that we will try to do it, which makes it even worse for the one making the request. Should they count on someone who is going to try to help you? As the judicious Yoda from Star Wars said: “Do or do not. There is no try.”   There is still another strategy used to avoid saying no: the silent or omitted negation.  Failing to respond, even with a “no thanks,” is one of the most common mistakes that we make. It hurts our capacity to build social relationships. We opt to have the other person infer our “no” by providing no answer at all, assuming incorrectly that the other party will forget or take our omission as a “no.” In the world of mathematics, a negative multiplied by a negative always results in a positive, but in the business or social world, a negative action multiplied by a negative response almost always leads to a negative outcome. Do you see yourself in any of these scenarios?   Despite our experimentation as children in regular interactions with loved ones and answering questions frankly without hesitation or fear of ramifications, something happens in the acculturation process as we get older. As adults move through their careers, many become vulnerable to any question that might need a yes or no answer. This digression in the cognitive capability is a result of not knowing how or when to say “no” without feeling guilty or getting sick. Being uncomfortable, or the possibility of making someone else uncomfortable, appears an insurmountable barrier.   When No Is Your Answer, Don’t Let Others Convince You Otherwise   Responding “no” to a question might be a simple matter when choosing multiple options or when confronted with an accusation of some sort. “No, I didn’t do it” is easy to say. (For some people it is easy even if they did do it, but that’s a different topic.) The difficulty arises when asked to help or volunteer on a project, support someone’s ideas or projects (especially when a friend is asking) or when asked to participate in an activity or forum that might be helpful to your team or others but not necessarily to you.   Often, our first reaction is to please others by showing our support, especially if they are members of our team, friends, or people whom we care about. Saying “yes” then becomes a default, our defense mechanism, to show that we are on their side and fully support them. We often feel obliged to respond in the affirmative to avoid a negative perception from our family members, peers, colleagues, or neighbors. Sometimes we feel compelled to say yes to improve our self esteem and validate our status as good citizens and decent human beings.  It becomes a knee-jerk reaction that may have an impact on our work performance, our reliability and credibility and at times our family obligations. Furthermore, after we make the commitment we may realize the potential to negatively affect present and future work or that we aren’t actually convinced that the  task we reluctantly agreed to complete is worth doing. The repercussions of our answer with a non-studied “yes” might prove harmful to us.   It is important to remember that you have a right to say no. If you don’t, others may take advantage of you, take you for granted and even lose respect for you.   The 1-2-3 Method Let us then offer the 1-2-3 solutions to our “no” dilemma. First we have to understand that the problem of judging when, where and how to use “no” is just a symptom, not the disease. The real issue is to have a clear understanding of what is being asked of you, the total expectations, the time commitment and who else is involved. Understand the question before you answer. Do not say “yes” for the sake of yes. The affirmative response to a question or a request is a commitment to another individual or group. It must not be taken lightly. Most successful business people will share their secrets: They are focused, they understand the value of time. Once they commit to doing something they would almost never cancel. That commitment you’re about to make may conflict with your priorities and your ability to meet your goals and objectives. It is preferable to acknowledge that you will not be able to fulfill the request asked and answer with a negative than to put yourself in a situation that might affect you and your objectives and goals. You have to be truthful to yourself.   Know how to respond, but do respond! Answer the request. Be polite but firm. Never ignore or dismiss. Do not assume a “no” response will be understood. For sure, the lack of a response will not be appreciated. Be clear, concise, and direct. Get to the point. Do not answer with a question, an epistle or a speech. Be assertive, not apologetic. It is your decision. You’re in control. Take a shot or pass it. Offer alternatives and or possible solutions. There is often some alternative to us, no matter how indispensable we think we are. Look for and help find a solution, but only if you can afford the time and effort. Stand your ground . Assume positive intent, but be prepared for all possibilities. You may find that the person requesting your help is using techniques that take advantage of your weak side. Do not fall for that! Follow through. If you passed and said “no” but offered an alternative, follow up to see if that proved helpful. If you answered in the affirmative, ensure that you are aware of all the relevant information regarding expectations, dates and times.   Saying No at Work -- Can You Do It? Up to now, we’ve focused our column on how to say no mostly in social situations. But what would you do if your manager at work makes an unreasonable, urgent request? Although the same tactics may not apply, the same principle does: You are in control. To help you manage these often awkward situations, we recommend another 1-2-3 method. Understand what is being asked of you and put it in the context of everything else you may have on your “to do” list. Understand the time constraints and expected outcomes, timelines and deadlines. Negotiate. Remind your manager that you are working on other projects that she has already identified as top priorities and ask if this new task has priority over the others. You may offer suggestions for options (“I can’t complete it by Friday, but would Monday work for you? “Can I enlist the help of Jorge and Heather on the project?”). If little or no flexibility is forthcoming, point out that you will complete all tasks, but perhaps not as thoroughly as your manager may be accustomed to expect from you. Never say that you will “try” to do it.   When You Are Doing the Asking, Frame the Question Correctly Finally, let’s not forget that one reason we struggle with our answer to a request is that the person asking has not made it easy for us to respond with a “no.” Given that, we recommend that when you’re asking someone for help, make it as easy as possible for them to say “no” if they wish to. Consider this: You may not want someone helping you who doesn’t really want to. An example of an effective request may be: Are you interested and free to speak at my next conference? If you aren’t, perhaps we can discuss opportunities for the following conference or the one after that.” By providing flexibility, you will get an honest response from the person you are approaching. No matter what their answer, however, make a habit of thanking the person for taking the time to provide you with a prompt response.   Remember, building your relationships is a long-term process, and the ultimate goal is to strengthen your network one person at a time. By making each person you deal with comfortable, you’ll continue to build and strengthen your network over time

Text from a fortune cookie:" A smart person knows everything; a shrewd person knows everyone."   Effective networking is an important skill that is useful to individuals who wish to be successful and fulfilled. If staying connected with the right people and achieving success are important to you, investing wisely in building a strong network is just what the doctor ordered.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines network as a usually informally interconnected group or association of persons (as friends or professional colleagues); an interconnected or interrelated chain, group, or system.  We add that it is a close -- but not closed – network; a complex web of trusted individuals who are related in meaningful way and connected to each other directly or through the links of others in your network. A successful network creates advocacy for progress for its entire membership. Each member represents the other in absentia. The stronger your direct relationship with one individual, the more robust the individual’s links will be to you.    Do you remember the last time that you carved out a significant amount of time to assess the health status of personal relationships or to understand how effective your network may be? Are you spending an exorbitant amount of time managing your daily work and very little time nurturing your friends and colleagues or cultivating new relationships? The way in which you answered these questions may indicate your status as a social marketer – an important success prescription in your professional and personal life.  But don’t despair or be discouraged: there is no better time than today to improve your condition.  The prognosis is good, if you make a commitment to adhere to the recommendations herein.   A strong social network begins with you. You are the genesis and point of entry of any successful network that you enter. It is you and your actions that create the chain of events that will determine the success of any social relationship.  Visualize it as an electromagnetic field: too much positive or negative charge will affect the outcome of the attraction. The success of a social networking relationship hinges on the efforts that you and your contacts put forward: too much negative force (lack of response or interest, poor manners, disrespect, etc.) will destroy it; too much “positive” interaction (too much talk about you, asking for but not giving, taking advantage of the relationship) will produce an equally damaging, and aversive reaction. Therefore, to avoid either of these two extremes, the first step of the journey is to acquire a clear understanding of who you are.  The goals of the person reflected in front of the mirror should be fully known. You need to look inside and articulate (to yourself) who you are, where you are in your passage and where you want to go. This first step is a crucial one in the long journey toward a successful networking life.   Strong networks create social capital, provide access to diverse skills and deliver strong influence without direct power. They facilitate the sharing of information and the exchange of ideas. They help rearrange business and social priorities.  They determine, in large part, which products or services are launched, who will work with whom and establish mechanism for support beyond your own capabilities.  Networks also deliver financially.  They help develop a strong financial capital in the form of business opportunities, strong leads and rewarding careers.   Why then, are most of us not investing the time and effort to create a strong network?  The task of rebuilding your network in the midst of the many intense demands these days is particularly difficult for many reasons, but they generally revolve around three key issues: lack of time, lack of skills, or lack of desire. Time constraints and demands are common to all of us and those who manage it best will most likely achieve higher degrees of success in the long term. Understanding short- and long-term time investments is crucial in order to appropriately prioritize our limited available time. The good news is that we all get the same allocation: 3,600 seconds per hour; 1,440 minutes per day; and 8,766 hours per year. What we do and how we spend each minute of every hour is what will ultimately make the difference in our lives and the lives of those in our network. Creating a simple plan is a start.   Developing an action plan begins by identifying your current network members and assessing their strengths and their gaps (and yours). The plan should include goals that are clear and measurable. As you work the plan, it is important to remember to use some basic “rules of the road”: First impressions are important – Make a great first impression with every person you meet. Remember to smile often and freely, give a firm handshake, and maintain appropriate eye contact.  Always be ready! First impressions happen unexpectedly and suddenly; the person you may by pass in the elevator might be the individual that you’re meeting for the first time later in the day. Master the art of listening – Make a conscientious effort to refrain from telling your story. Listen. Actively listen by asking open-ended questions and don’t be tempted to interrupt to share a similar experience you may have had.  Ask probing questions that demonstrate that you care. Be sincere.  Learn people’s names and use them often. Manage the gatekeeper artfully – Treat others as they want to be treated. Disregard titles and positions and treat everyone with the utmost respect. Be nice. Reach out, proactively and constantly – Send a complimentary note to someone in your network who earned it and deserves it. Send a thank you card. Leave a voice message, with no expectation of it being returned. Spread your sincere, genuine good will and it will blossom. It will flourish in surprising ways. Invite others out, informally and formally, particularly when you’re traveling to where they are. Build it before you need it – Be proactive in building your network. Don’t wait until you need to look for a job to start calling your long-lost friends and colleagues. This is the recipe of disaster for your network. Connect your network to others and help members in your network succeed. Be prepared to repair it – Chances are whether warranted or not, a relationship will be weakened or damaged at some point on this journey. Take the high road and be ready to repair it, regardless of whose fault it may have been. Don’t take your network for granted – Work at it. Make yourself a visible, valuable resource. Ask not what the network can do for you, but what you can do for your network. The more energy and effort you put in the more positive outcomes you will harvest. Networking is a product of successful communication. Sharing information among the members creates new possibilities. Lack of communication creates stagnation and the relationships tend to weaken and dissolve. Be proactive. Do not wait for the E-mail or phone call from that person you met recently. Take charge and communicate. Networking is mostly about being a resource for your own network and enthusiastically sharing your skills, contacts and experience. It’s about sharing your time selflessly.   How do you know if yours is working well? A network works effectively when there is a constant flow in information, ideas, and contacts among you and the people around you. When you’re meeting quality contacts who were brought your way by others in your network, and you, in turn, are taking the time to do the same for others.   In order to successfully grow your network, it is important to fully understand what you have to offer and what you need or would like to get from your new relationships (in that order). You may have access to general information, employment opportunities, real estate, publications, legal advice, financial acumen, business ventures, and more. You may need increased exposure, a trusted friend, an advisor, an infusion of capital for your business, a sounding board or a business partner whom you can trust or a thousand other things.   Over the next several months, this column will examine the critical skills required to make, nurture and grow your network that will result in increased influence, personal satisfaction, and a more fulfilled life.This column will address the following topics, under the name: “The Art and Science of:” Saying no without feeling guilty Making yourself an attractive network member Speaking your mind with candor and respect Honoring your commitments Planning for the future Brokering for your network Being brief and polite Listening, actively Acting with sincerity Putting your network first   If you’re interested in being a successful individual who gains the enthusiastic cooperation of peers and friends, in working collaboratively across different groups, departments, companies, or countries, in better leveraging your strengths and weaknesses, and in exponentially increasing your reach and access, we suggest that you reach out to your neglected colleagues to carefully and purposely begin to build the infrastructure of your network today.   Stay tuned for Babbalu’s monthly column “The Art & Science of…” on networking. Read it and apply its principles. It will be time well spent.