Isn’t it annoying that your so-called friend contacts you only when he needs you and then pretends it’s a personal call? The conversation is likely to start when he asks: “How are you doing?” or “How’s the family? But inevitably it evolves to: “I’m calling to see if you can help me with something.”  He is very friendly then. It is particularly troublesome when he’s someone that you haven’t heard from in a long time.

This is the type of person who is never there when you call on them. Emails go unanswered; phone calls go unreturned. I’ll tell you something: you don’t need them. You should use your time more productively.

Because the art of building a strong network is based on selfless giving, you must learn to avoid people who don’t help others. Don’t let them use you. Luckily, it doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, you need to learn how to recognize it and deal with it. And it is also a good idea to raise your self-awareness to make sure you are not one of them.

Recognizing the “users”— the “takers”

You know them: it is a one-way street. Usually months go by without hearing from them, until they need something.  If this happens, communicate with them directly and clearly about the potential consequences if their behavior doesn’t change. Help them if you can, but explain that you may not be there for them the next time.

Be true to your word. Walk away if they do not change this behavior. You don’t need them. You have many other priorities. You need to have people around you who add value to your life and that of others. Don’t even respond to their emails and certainly don’t return their phone calls. In this case, you’ll be happy that you didn’t. You may even have a little more self-respect even if you feel a little guilty. The energy invested with these individuals can be placed into a relationship with more promising potential. 

Avoiding being a “user”

It is most certainly appropriate to reach out to colleagues or former colleagues asking for help. But don’t pretend that there’s a friendship there. Say, for instance, “I hope you’re doing well. I’m wondering if you could point me in the right direction with my issue.” If the conversation turns to personal matters as part of the natural flow, use it to reconnect. But let the other person guide you. If the conversation stays on the issue at hand, thank the person for her time and follow up with a brief note to reinforce that message.

To avoid this situation all together, stay in touch with your network. Regular, on-going communication doesn’t require a sacrifice. It really doesn’t take that long. I have friends who send regular motivational messages, quotes, jokes (clean), news, or other informational tidbits, to their networks. It works. Often, the outreach is better than the message itself. (Think how good it feels to get a letter at home from a friend. When was the last time you received one?) It works in the same manner, but with a lot less effort and quicker gratification.

Don’t procrastinate. Reach out to your network today, for no reason at all. You’ll be happy that you did. And they will be too.

When you’re at work, have you ever wanted to meet people who can really relate to your own situation outside of your immediate circle of friends? You may be just starting out your very first job. You may be a working mother, or a “young” Baby Boomer, struggling with caregiving responsibilities at home. You may be working from home on a full-time basis and miss the daily interactions of colleagues at work. Or, you may feel that you’re the only Latino or African American in the office.

Here’s the great news. You’re not alone. There are individuals like you who are active at work in what many companies call employee resource groups (ERGs), designed to help you connect with, and learn from, others who are going through a similar experience. They focused on Latinos or Asians or Women, or Gen Y or Gen X or Baby Boomers, or Gay/Lesbian, and many others. You are in good company.

What’s an ERG, you ask? It is a company-supported and employee-managed team comprised of employees who share an affinity, a common background, or a similar set of experiences who work together to promote each other's development while identifying opportunities that support a company’s  goals. These groups serve their members by providing a forum to network, develop personally and professionally, identify issues of concern and ways to solve them, and provide mutual support.

Does this promote segregation among different groups, you ask? It most certainly does not, as long as membership remains open to all employees, regardless of the employees' backgrounds. This means, for example, that an employee doesn't have to be Latino to join the Latino group. Thus, ERGs also offer an opportunity for employees to learn and better appreciate the background of employees who may be different than their own.

ERGs are increasingly being used to strategically advance business goals by using members' ideas for marketing campaigns, targeting fast-growing markets, and as a means of strengthening the company's ability to attract, develop, and retain the best talent. Because they often work with the local communities, they also help to enhance the company's brand image.

Want to join an ERG? There is very good chance that there are a number of them to choose from in your office. Join one of them. If none exists that meets your needs, ask around. You may be able to start one yourself, and in the process you will meet new, talented people while demonstrating your leadership skills to everyone around you.

New research by the University of British Columbia confirms the link between happiness and generosity. The study shows that individuals who give to friends regularly or make charitable contributions are more fulfilled than those who don’t. This is something that different faiths around the world have known for a long time. Money can indeed buy happiness, but only if you don’t keep it all for yourself.

Whether you are giving of your time to mentor a person, taking the time to buy a cup of coffee for a colleague, or writing a check for your favorite non-profit organization, you’re creating a sense of fulfillment that is hard to replicate. Your thoughtful gesture is likely to be appreciated by those around you.

This practice is similar to building a personal network – the more you give, the happier you will be.  I have never met anyone who has built a strong network by regularly asking for support from members without making himself available to help as well. The network will ultimately chide away from the ones who repeatedly ask for favors but do not give.

To be successful you first have to build a sound infrastructure based on your own reputation for giving.  Luke Visconti, DiversityInc’s co-founder and partner, and Charles P. Garcia, senior managing director for Hispanic Capital Markets Group, are exceptional individuals who understand the importance of giving. They are successful, have strong and growing networks, give selflessly, and are on stand-by to help, virtually 24/7. As Charlie says: “You can’t achieve your full potential or maximize your network’s potential if you don’t give freely. Further, you must make yourself available to your network.”

It is by giving freely and selflessly that a personal network is strengthened and success is achieved. Quoting David Rodriguez, Chief Lending Officer of Ponce de Leon Federal Bank, the best way to share is giving t-cubed – giving your time, talent, treasure.

What will be your excuse for not giving? Is it one of the ones listed below?

—      80% say job demands left them no time

—      79% say they had no excess income to give

—      70% say family commitments consumed their extra time

It is likely that you are challenged to find a balance between your professional demands and your personal time. At night, when everything is quiet at home, I try to catch up with my e-mails. As I suspect you’ve experienced, I respond to one e-mail and one more comes in. There’s no catching up. There will never be a perfect time to give time. Today is your day.

The gift of time is your most valuable gift. If you’re interested in building your network, offer your time to your network.  They will be glad you did (and you will, too). Without giving your time, you’re not likely to experience strong personal growth. Without giving, you will not be as fulfilled as you should be and, for certain, you will not grow your network.

Giving isn’t as hard as you might think. It could be as simple as promptly answering an e-mail. Little things often mean more than the big actions (remember, there are many more of them). It could be returning that phone call, writing a recommendation, making a referral, forwarding an email with a unique message, sharing a job opportunity, or exploring a business venture.

When was the last time you reached out to someone in your network to offer your assistance or support?  The mere gesture of asking will differentiate you as not many people do this. You can send a congratulatory note expressing joy or reach out to share someone’s grief. These actions let them know that you care. An e-card works well too for most people. A real card works even better. You will make their day – and in doing so, they will make yours. Give a little, selflessly; most likely you’ll get back a lot.

The beginning of a strong network begins with one individual: namely you. This column is dedicated to this idea; it provides tips on how to help you recognize areas that you may want to change and how to discover a better you.

Let’s start with a question: Do you like yourself?  If you are confident in your abilities, both in the traditional measures of intelligence and in your emotional  intelligence, and have an ample and healthy supply of optimism you will be poised for success and are likely to possess a high quality of life. You are more likely than others to attract members to your network who want to be associated with you – especially when sprinkled with charisma and good humor.

As best-selling author Daniel Goleman states in “Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationship” emotions are contagious, and “spread like wild fires.” If you continually show a positive disposition while maintaining a sense of confidence and perseverance, and surround yourself with the finest people on the planet, you are on your way to success.

To achieve self confidence it is important to understand the perfect balance and avoid becoming self absorbed or gaining misperceptions of self grandeur. I have described below general categories where achieving balance should be the goal.

Category	Not Effective	Balanced	Too much
Personality Trait	Insecure	Pride	Arrogance
Emotional Status	Unattached	Empathy	Pity
Interactions in groups	Passive	Energetic	Wired
Dealing with problems	Indifferent	Committed	Anger
Speaking one-on-one	Monotone	Clear and concise	Effusive
Providing advice	Silent	Active listener	Dominant
Dealing with family	Unavailable	Quality time	Disregard other priorities
Sharing credit	Doesn’t share	Spread credit for success around	Deliberately ignore self
Uncertainty	Uncomfortable with change	Manages changes, sees it as inevitable	Reach decision too quickly without facts
Lens to see the world	Pessimism	Optimism	False hope

It is important to note how easy it is to slip from the center. Once you’ve achieved the balance there is no guarantee that you’ll stay there; you must remain vigilant without repose if you want to stay centered.

If you lack self-confidence and optimism it will more difficult to build a strong network. Here’re some ideas or reminders that are easy to inject into your life:

• Find time to read non-fiction books, whatever your preference.

• Practice something that you already do well and become the best you can be; practice also something that you have not yet mastered. 

• Volunteer for a challenging work assignment and execute well.

• Ask for feedback and take it, without excuses.

• Travel the world, either literally or virtually. Learn from other cultures.

• Don’t be embarrassed to say “I don’t know.”

• Become an active listener.

• Be a better friend.

• Your children need you too.

• Don’t ignore your spouse or loved one.

Hopeful vs. Optimism

In the book “Good to Great,” author Jim Collins tells us a remarkable story about Admiral Jim Stockdale, the highest ranking U.S. military officer during the Vietnam War. Admiral Stockdale was severely tortured more than 20 times while being held captive for 8 years. 

During an interview for the book Collins asks Admiral Stockdale how was he able to survive the brutal torture and isolation while so many others didn’t. Admiral Stockdale explains that the ones who didn’t make it where the optimists. As he describes, those were the ones who after believing that they would be freed by a specific date, eventually gave up, and lost all hope. He, on the other hand, was a realist. He was going to survive no matter what the circumstances.

Collins’ point is that successful leaders confront the brutal facts of their reality, whatever that may be.  The author missed an important point, however. Those so called optimists who gave up after years under the terrible conditions may be described as heroes, but they were not necessarily optimists.  They relied on a false sense of hope that didn’t actualize for them. Consider this: no one can be hopeful forever.  The true optimists understand their reality but are convinced that they will make it – whatever that “it” is.

Having self confidence, optimism, and perseverance are essential ingredients for building an effective and strong network

Eating Alone

In the book “Never Eat Dinner Alone,” author Keith Ferrazzi asserts that we should never have a meal at a restaurant alone, especially when traveling.  By proactively reaching out to your network, Ferrazzi continues, you will maximize the power of the relationships and cultivate and grow the quality of the connections you make. He is right. But there’s one area he does not cover: each one of us must be comfortable with who we are and should not be afraid to be by ourselves.  There is nothing wrong in being alone.

The point is this: you should seek your friends not because you need them or fear being alone, but because you want to and enjoy their company. You should be at ease being alone. If you are, others are likely to join you. If you aren’t, you have work to do.

If you pass that simple test, then you’re ready to proceed and reach out to your friends and follow Ferrazzi’s advice. If you haven’t yet attempted having dinner at a restaurant alone, give it a try; you may want to start in the lounge areas where there is generally abundance of activity. You might surprise yourself at how relaxing and invigorating it can be.

“There’s one blessing only, the source and cornerstone of beatitude: Confidence in Self.”  --  Marcus Annaeus Seneca